April 26, 2011 § 2 Comments
This article was written by A.S Krishnan almost a year back for NIT Surat’s monthly magazine, Renesa . I contributed by adding the last two scenarios viz, “The NJ” and “The Geeky Guy”. It was finally published in this month’s issue. You can read the original at fcostheta.blogspot.com .
All people mentioned in the following paper are neither fictional in nature nor is it for the feminist. Any attempt to reproduce (the events mentioned) might lead to either and only awesome or disastrous circumstances. It is totally left to user discretion whether or not to try it. Parental guidance or help from a friend is not advised. User foolishness is deeply regretted. This is not meant to be read by good looking girls or guys.
The following is the case study done in SVNIT Surat during a period of 2 and half years on how to pick up girls in this college. It is observed that there is a common trend among batch mates to get girls whom they think are lesser in intellectual capacity though it might not be true in reality. It has been observed that intellectual capacity decreases drastically with juniority among girls. The paper offers tips and tricks to pick up chicks ranging from simple to complicated methods.
- THE BUMP
For performing this task you need to have a party. Go talk to the authorities and organise a DJ night and be the organiser. Then make sure no barricades exist. After that what you have to do is blend in the crowd and dance. Now, find your target. Good. Then keep dancing and make sure that you bump into her without knowing it was on purpose. Then the girl who already would have a good impression of you because you organised the event will then think you are the cool organiser who loves to party and then will start a conversation with you. So then get her phone number and then……
- THE SELF DESTRUCT
To perform this task you must have two guys who are bound to make some senseless and boring statements with ease. The must preferably be a bit unknown to you. Then make them start a topic when the girl is around. Then the guys seeing the attractiveness of the girls will start talking about topics like Sidney Sheldon and Mario Puzo. The girl then will look confounded. Now what you have to do is isolate the two guys, play the sane-level-headed-moderating-dude and tell that I did not even understand a word of this crap. The girl will then like you thinking you have so much in common and give you her phone number and then……….
- THE INTELLECT
To perform this task, you need to possess a good brain and must be very intelligent. This starts off just like the above mentioned task, but the girl mentioned should be quite brainy in nature. Hence preferably the target is a final year. Now start off a topic in front of her which she can relate to and you can start throwing in fundoo jargons and weird etymological terms from a random Greek source. Then when she feels impressed end the topic in favour of you and talk to her as to why she did not participate in the topic she liked a lot and start giving her advice as to go get a life and stuff like that. The girl then thinking you are a mature guy will give you her phone number and then………
- THE FEST
For this task, you need to be in the core or executive committee of any fest of the college. Now befriend your senior in the team, well, it is probable that you were there because of him, so ask him to put the girl you like in that particular committee. Once he does that now you will have to get her to do work along with you. This is the tough part. Now, there are two routes. You can either ask her to do your work saying the convenor asked you to do it and then after the fest is over; you treat her for her awesome work done whether or not the fest was a success. Then you proceed to comfort her and then get her number. The second method is that in which you can be a true gentleman and pretend to do her work just so as to be gentlemanly and then the girl, feeling all sad and guilty will call you for a treat and then…………….
- THE IYER / THE WOMANISER
To be the performer of this, you need to behave like Iyer. If you don’t know who he is, DROP DEAD. This strategy involves multi-fold operations which are complexly interwound with each other. To do this, you need to have a baby face. Then you need to make sure you get set up with some random girl/girls in your batch. Then you have to convince your senior to make you the convenor of a fest. Now during the second year team selection make sure you select the best looking second yearites and get them into the team, hence naturally the guys will want to work. Hence with such a dedicated team, your fest will be a success, obmax. So because of its success, now you will be asked by these girls for a treat in groups. Offer each of them a treat separately and treat all those who see you giving a treat, well, you will get a discount anyway because you will make your target junior run around for sponsorship and in return make him the convenor for next year and take most of his coupons, well he has hidden them anyway. So you have so many girls’ contacts and it is now unto you to take your pick or you can decide to be the convenor of Mindbend or Sparsh [:P] and look for more girls!!!
- THE MACAULAY
Once in the British parliament, Lord Macaulay told the parliament that the best way to separate India is to reduce its self-esteem. So find a girl who has just done something stupid like fall from bed while asleep or something which does not make sense. Now take a group of loser friends and people who have no society image and tell them to make fun of her because she made fun of them earlier. But you should remain quiet and act like you are ashamed to be a part of it which you obviously are. Then when she starts crying, behave like the very sympathetic and empathetic guy and be the shoulder for her to cry on. Then she will start liking you and then……
- THE ACHIEVER
For this you need to have achieved so much stuff in your life and in college. For this, you have to keep winning all the events in college. There is always a probability that one among the targets you are looking for will be present in the event or will be in the committee organising it. So if you talk like you are the owner of the event or if you can talk like the funniest then you would have caught her attention. After your turn, go stand or sit next to the girl who you have eyed. She will then tell a congrats and offer a handshake, then start talking like you have been winning this since school days and offer her some tips and tricks to win the event the next time it happens, and then make some more talk and then……..
- THE JUDGE
Ask your best friend in a committee to organise the event and tell him to make you the judge. Then make sure that your junior calls your target to the event. When it is the girl’s turn to get on stage then let us assume the event is JAM, put her up with dumb and loser partners and make sure whatever defects she tells is upheld and everything that goes against her is denied or only occasionally withheld (for more details, contact Renesa Chief Editor), now you know that she has only a Fermi of a chance of winning, so tell the organiser to have a prize for the best girl and make sure she wins a prize. Then go on stage and talk some jargons and mention how she valiantly played the last round and get to talk to her after the event is over and then………
- THE NJ
Now, this takes a bit of intellect, a lot of sweet talk and most importantly, the art of making your presence felt. To perform the NJ, you will need to dress up in rumpled clothing, have undone hair, in all dress like a near hippie (The I-don’t-give-a-damn-I’m-different look).Next you need to be a part of quite a few clubs/societies in the institute and make your presence felt in all of these (needless to say you need be a decent speaker for this). In choosing the clubs you want to be a part of, keep a mixed bag, join a club that caters to humanities, another that deals with robotics and another on technology and engineering and most important of all, one that does social service, nothing impresses a girl more than a guy who loves to give back to the society. Remember, you don’t just need to be a part of these; you need to actively be involved. Sooner or later, drop the hint that you are a workaholic who balances myriad responsibilities along with academics thereby augmenting your reputation. Next is easy, since you are an integral part of so many clubs you will get to meet chicks of varied tastes (an looks). Choose the one(s) you like as ask them to meet you up or call you up personally to solve their doubts or discuss various issues. See the beauty of this, the chick herself meets you and calls you. Yes, Jackpot. Read up a few books by authors like Sidney Sheldon etc or learn a few relevant tech stuff and you are done.
Just in case, you just want to add more juice to it, you may also try doing (not necessarily very) well at a skill that is much in demand in this college, say for example designing. Guess, what chicks think designers are hot coz they like god create something out of nothing. And no one’s hotter than god. Firstly, your designing skills will ensure that you find a place in every event, magazine, club of the college that needs a poster. Secondly, well read the previous paragraph.
- THE GEEKY GUY
While Pyaar Impossible may say that 1 Geek+1 Beauty=Pyaar Impossible, even in the movie Priyanka will certainly fall for the geek in the end. And this is an engineering college and therefore, there are many beauties-wanna-geeks here. And guess what, such beauties want to remain near geeks. To perform to act you need to be a geek or act like one. Learn a bit of circuits or coding, throw in a few jargons like multivibrator (yes thats related to electronics and not anything else, yet), oscillator, FPGA, MOSFET, C Sharp, Python, Linux, Hacking etc.. Obviously the choice of jargon will depend on what your potential target likes. Obviously, if she is in first year, almost anything would do; first year like all and any tech. Soon she will participate in some event or the other and want your help and there’s your chance. And if she is afraid of participating, form your own team and ask her to join because you find her dedicated, smart and intelligent (and not to mention incredibly hot). Ask her out for coffee or movies and just be friends and she will be in.
“The Geeky Guy” con is awaiting a patent. Troubles have arisen because both ACM and Drishti have argued that they were the originators of this idea and the credit goes to them. As we write this article, both groups are lobbying heavily and there is no resolution in sight.
October 27, 2010 § 15 Comments
On a dark desert LKP, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of sutta, rising up thru the air
Up ahead at a distance I saw a shimmering light
my eyes were heavy and my sights were dim,
but i had to study thru the night
there it laid on the table
like a warning bell
And i was thinking to myself
Fuck it, what the hell?
Welcome to Well known Institute of Management in Western India
Such a hectic pace
such a crazy race
Plenty to study at Well known Institute of Management in Western India
Any minute of the hour
You’ll find a muggu here
His smile was tiffany twisted- he got the balance sheet right
He got a lot of pretty pretty girls for a REM night
How they mugged at the CR, cash flows and bad debt
Some mug to remember, some mug to forget
So i called up the CT,
Please bring me my rice,
The lady said , the number busy since nineteen sixty nine
And still those cases are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to mug and pray…
Welcome to Well known Institute of Management in Western India
Such a hectic pace
such a crazy race
Plenty to study at Well known Institute of Management in Western India
Any minute of the hour
You’ll find a muggu here
October 1, 2010 § 1 Comment
The screenshot is that of Ankit Fadia’s Event Calendar page (http://www.ankitfadia.in/ankit_fadia_training_seminars.html#eventscalendar) on his website. He has listed where(city and country) he would be on various dates along with the kind of audience he is expecting for his talk. However, in most of the cases, the name (or occasion) of the event along with the precise venue isn’t mentioned. Wonder why? ;-) #random_observation
Wouldn’t it be more helpful if actual address is mentioned. That way other people could attend his talks.
Need I say more?
February 6, 2010 § Leave a Comment
Someone byt the name “The Fourth Estate” sent this in last night to the all students mailing list of SVNIT. Given below is the email and a obituary. Check it out. Hillarious and heartening at the same time
This mail has not been created out of any sort of personal hatred or
animosity towards any person or establishment whatsoever. It has simply been
created to preserve the nature of free speech in the engineering college in
question. The authorities of the said college have tried to suppress free
speech by showing aggressive desires to control it. But the author wishes to
remind the authorities in question as well as his readers that free press
has an indomitable survival instinct. Using a better analogy, it is like a
hydra. Whenever you cut a head off, two new ones will invariably take its
place. This, then, is the new-sprung head of the hydra. Watch this space.
And this pic
Will keep you updated on further developments
November 5, 2009 § 2 Comments
Well this is my 7th sem, and by this May I will be an computer engineer, expected to contribute to the Indian IT industry and make billing/ERP/SAP/CRM software for some of the biggest(and boring) IT companies. Of course, if the Training and Placement section has its way, none of us will be working for anyone whatsoever. This and the fact that I love my coding, and therefore do not want to do stupid IT software, is making me think about a good career choice. See I love my coding, and I think its an art. But what you do in IT firms in not art, its road painting. Therefore I detest. So here are a few career options before me and I have arranged them in the order of appeal and ease of attainability
- Spend my dad’s money for the rest of my life: Not bad. And I have shown immense prowess in this skill. And I am improving every month. Pros: Everything, Cons: None
- Marry a girl with rich parents/high salary: I don’t mind if she is older to me. I just want to stay at home, watch TV and code. Will contribute hugely to FOSS projects because I dont have to work about money. Pros: No work , Cons: A wife
- Do freelance programming: Will decide my own schedule. Will work when I want. Pros: Mentioned already, Cons: Freelancers don’t get to do challenging work
- Do a MS: Pros: Yippie, Coding+Academic life(less stressful) Cons: There will still be exams
- Do an MBA: Pros: Will get the GOMBA tag (Grossly Overpaid MBA) Cons:Will have to clear the Bschool entrance exam,Will have to study for the degree, Will have to work at work
- Ad-hoc faculty at SVNIT: Pros: No work whatsoever Cons: None if I have to remain here for just one year and leave in May 2011, else the Cons are: God, SVNIT all over again, same boring faculty members I suffered for 4 years, stupid students whom I will have to teach
- Do a JOB: Pros: Will get paid Cons: Will have to work, Will have a Boss
Hopefully, I will be able to take a decision over the next few months. Any suggestions and sarcasms on the same are welcome.
September 16, 2009 § 1 Comment
Its called Abuse. Why? Well people who know me know why? Just read it and you might know as well. And this poem is dedicated to Nijeesh, the subject of most of my abuses. Dude, you are awesome.
Sorry for the abuse,
I don’t have an excuse,
Coz I am loose.
I’ve had too much booze,
What I say, I got no clues,
Attitude and disrespect I ooze,
So guys lets call it a truce,
And forgive me for the abuse
You watch me with bemuse,
As if I am a detonating fuse,
I dont wanna make tv news,
my words I dont choose,
and yet my ramblings screws,
I gather ill will by one’s and two’s
This tension, lets diffuse,
Sorry for my abuse..
August 25, 2009 § Leave a Comment
In a bid that takes doucebaggery to absurdy absurd heights, Raju Thakur, a Surti, jumped from the third floor of a building to woo a 16 year old girl. Apparently, the girl was profoundly inspired by “Rakhi ka Swyamvar” and asked our lover boy to prove his love by jumping off the building. And so did our man, Raju Thakur and then left to his native UP to get treated (of his injuries only leaving his douchebaggery completely intact). After he returned, the two love birds eloped to live happily ever after. But our heartless cops decided to play spoilsport and arrested them both after a complain from the just-about-almost-father-in-law of Raju.
I think the two should have been allowed to get married and make a fucktarded attempt at trying to live a married life. I am sure they would have realised there mistake and come to senses. I mean its not everyday you have one female frigtard asking a male douchebag to jump off a building. Now they are some species who are certainly above us practical, boring, stupid humans who express love by such old fashioned ways like giving cards, going for long walks, showing subtle niceties. You ain’t proven your love until you have jumped off a building mate…
June 23, 2009 § Leave a Comment
[Disclaimer: The article has been shamelessly copied from http://www.cracked.com/article_17063_5-reasons-being-single-sucks-even-more-than-you-thought.html
For more interesting articles do visit this site. But before that, please go through my below written plagiarized work. ]
1. You get paid less
A study shows married people take home 27pc more than their single counterparts.
There are a couple of possible explanations for this and, contrary to what you might want to believe, none of them involve your boss being jealous of your electrifying sex life. The explanation married guys are most likely to cite is a little old fashioned elbow grease. It’s hard not to hustle when the option behind door number two is “let your wife and kids starve to death.” Meanwhile, single guys are more likely to take a sick day to sleep off an especially bad hangover, or quit a great job because the nachos in the cafeteria suck.
And even if your married co-worker is the slap dick and you’re the responsible one, the perception still may not change. From your boss’s perspective, that guy’s money is going toward feeding his kids. Yours could be going toward any number of elicit activities he’s vaguely aware of. One of those sex parties he’s seen on those HBO documentaries, perhaps.
2. You work more
In an unprecedented act of kindness, American corporations decided their employees were working too hard and began enforcing something called “work/life balance.” Of course they had their selfish reasons. A happier employee will do better work, and get sick less. But who cares? Less work means more time for us single folk to go out and have indiscriminate sex with one another, right?
If you’re single, work/life balance is yet another way for the world to punish you for being unloved. One way the “balance” is enforced is the Family and Medical Leave Act, which gives any employee the right to take time off if a spouse, child or parent gets sick.
But what if you’re struggling to save up enough money for a ring for your girlfriend of seven years when she gets hit by a bus? According to work/life balance, you’d better have some vacation time saved up. Otherwise, you’re just going to have to learn to weep a little quieter, because you’re sort of bumming out the rest of the folks in Accounts.
There’s also the unofficial considerations. Married employees simply have more legitimate excuses to ask for time off: a kid’s birthday party, an anniversary dinner, Christmas. Yes, single people are more likely to be asked to work on holidays. The logic goes: You’re single, you don’t have a wife or kids, what could you possibly have to do? It doesn’t matter if you were planning to spend the day delivering presents to sick children. Someone’s got to pick up the slack for the married guy who keeps taking time off to attend his daughter’s dance recital.
But don’t worry too much about vacation time. Thanks to something called per person double occupancy (PPDO), you wouldn’t be able to go on good vacations anyways. Essentially, hotels, cruise lines, pretty much anything that isn’t a plane or a train, is designed and priced for couples. The travel industry wants as many people as possible roaming the streets in a capitalist frenzy. The more people they can pack into a hotel or a cruise ship, the happier they are. If that means punishing you for being unloved, so be it. Maybe you’ll learn not to be so lonely next time.
3. The Government Hates you
51 percent of married couples get a tax bonus, and it can be up to $1300 a freaking year. Just enough for your co-worker to take his wife on that Hawaiian vacation while you do all his work.
The benefit comes if there’s an income disparity; i.e. one partner is making more than the other. If they’re pulling in the mad bucks and their spouse is working a part time job, or just a full-time job that sucks, they wind up paying less. You’re stuck with the full tab.
To add a little salt to the hemorrhaging wound in your bank account, married couples can choose to file jointly or separately. So they have plenty of wiggle room to get the lowest taxes possible. So basically, instead of getting a tax break, you’re doing the equivalent of buying another wedding gift for all the happily married couples you know every April 14th.
And if you think the government’s a dick to private citizens around tax time, you should try fighting wars for them. You might expect the military to pay people who get shot at pretty well, regardless of whether or not they’re married. But in fact, a soldier with a ring on their finger is entitled to an extra $250 a month based on a piece of legislation left over from WWI called Family Separation Allowance. They also get an increased housing allowance, which is untaxed money. So basically, married soldiers get bigger houses and enough money to install a jacuzzi in the backyard. But hey, at least you single folks get to play the field in Iraq.
2.People HATE you
Rutgers University did a study that gathered empirical data of social stigma associated with being single and, well … it’s not pretty. Single men were viewed as being stupid and dishonest, and single women were more likely to be harassed and treated badly at restaurants. In fact, the study yielded so much material, that report we linked up there runs 58 freaking pages.
Even with the divorce rate hovering around 50 percent, marriage is still considered the norm. And if you’re single for too long, there’s a chance you’ll stay that way.
Time spent single is a lot like time spent in the bathroom. It’s the most natural thing in the world, until you’re there just a moment too long. But once you hit that point, there’s no turning back. People start to wonder what’s wrong with you. Gross images start popping into their heads. The next time they see you, you might smell a little funny to them. But hey, look on the bright side, at least nothing’s actually wrong with you, right?
1. You are going to die soon
Opinions vary on why single people are more likely to get sick and die. Some think it’s because marriage offers moral support to get through the tough times. Others think it’s just that a spouse is more likely to nag you into going to the doctor. Of course those are things you can counteract without getting married. Just buy a dog and schedule regular medical checkups, right?
But that won’t change the fact that married people have a better immune systems than you. They don’t have to be happily married. Even divorced people are better at fighting off illness. It’s like marriage is an all purpose vaccination that never wears off.
You’d think the health care system would be designed to accommodate all the strange and fascinating diseases you single folks have waiting in your future. But married people get the better of that too, often choosing between two subsidized plans, and paying less per person. In fact, they get such a good deal that people literally get married just to get on their partner’s health plan. While this might sound pathetic to you now, it will sound a lot more reasonable when you realize that the grapefruit sized lump on your neck isn’t going to remove itself. If it does remove itself, you’re probably going to have to go to the ER and get that shit stitched up.
So guys and gals, get someone before its too late….