This article was written by A.S Krishnan almost a year back for NIT Surat’s monthly magazine, Renesa . I contributed by adding the last two scenarios viz, “The NJ” and “The Geeky Guy”. It was finally published in this month’s issue. You can read the original at fcostheta.blogspot.com .
All people mentioned in the following paper are neither fictional in nature nor is it for the feminist. Any attempt to reproduce (the events mentioned) might lead to either and only awesome or disastrous circumstances. It is totally left to user discretion whether or not to try it. Parental guidance or help from a friend is not advised. User foolishness is deeply regretted. This is not meant to be read by good looking girls or guys.
The following is the case study done in SVNIT Surat during a period of 2 and half years on how to pick up girls in this college. It is observed that there is a common trend among batch mates to get girls whom they think are lesser in intellectual capacity though it might not be true in reality. It has been observed that intellectual capacity decreases drastically with juniority among girls. The paper offers tips and tricks to pick up chicks ranging from simple to complicated methods.
– THE BUMP
For performing this task you need to have a party. Go talk to the authorities and organise a DJ night and be the organiser. Then make sure no barricades exist. After that what you have to do is blend in the crowd and dance. Now, find your target. Good. Then keep dancing and make sure that you bump into her without knowing it was on purpose. Then the girl who already would have a good impression of you because you organised the event will then think you are the cool organiser who loves to party and then will start a conversation with you. So then get her phone number and then……
– THE SELF DESTRUCT
To perform this task you must have two guys who are bound to make some senseless and boring statements with ease. The must preferably be a bit unknown to you. Then make them start a topic when the girl is around. Then the guys seeing the attractiveness of the girls will start talking about topics like Sidney Sheldon and Mario Puzo. The girl then will look confounded. Now what you have to do is isolate the two guys, play the sane-level-headed-moderating-dude and tell that I did not even understand a word of this crap. The girl will then like you thinking you have so much in common and give you her phone number and then……….
– THE INTELLECT
To perform this task, you need to possess a good brain and must be very intelligent. This starts off just like the above mentioned task, but the girl mentioned should be quite brainy in nature. Hence preferably the target is a final year. Now start off a topic in front of her which she can relate to and you can start throwing in fundoo jargons and weird etymological terms from a random Greek source. Then when she feels impressed end the topic in favour of you and talk to her as to why she did not participate in the topic she liked a lot and start giving her advice as to go get a life and stuff like that. The girl then thinking you are a mature guy will give you her phone number and then………
– THE FEST
For this task, you need to be in the core or executive committee of any fest of the college. Now befriend your senior in the team, well, it is probable that you were there because of him, so ask him to put the girl you like in that particular committee. Once he does that now you will have to get her to do work along with you. This is the tough part. Now, there are two routes. You can either ask her to do your work saying the convenor asked you to do it and then after the fest is over; you treat her for her awesome work done whether or not the fest was a success. Then you proceed to comfort her and then get her number. The second method is that in which you can be a true gentleman and pretend to do her work just so as to be gentlemanly and then the girl, feeling all sad and guilty will call you for a treat and then…………….
– THE IYER / THE WOMANISER
To be the performer of this, you need to behave like Iyer. If you don’t know who he is, DROP DEAD. This strategy involves multi-fold operations which are complexly interwound with each other. To do this, you need to have a baby face. Then you need to make sure you get set up with some random girl/girls in your batch. Then you have to convince your senior to make you the convenor of a fest. Now during the second year team selection make sure you select the best looking second yearites and get them into the team, hence naturally the guys will want to work. Hence with such a dedicated team, your fest will be a success, obmax. So because of its success, now you will be asked by these girls for a treat in groups. Offer each of them a treat separately and treat all those who see you giving a treat, well, you will get a discount anyway because you will make your target junior run around for sponsorship and in return make him the convenor for next year and take most of his coupons, well he has hidden them anyway. So you have so many girls’ contacts and it is now unto you to take your pick or you can decide to be the convenor of Mindbend or Sparsh [:P] and look for more girls!!!
– THE MACAULAY
Once in the British parliament, Lord Macaulay told the parliament that the best way to separate India is to reduce its self-esteem. So find a girl who has just done something stupid like fall from bed while asleep or something which does not make sense. Now take a group of loser friends and people who have no society image and tell them to make fun of her because she made fun of them earlier. But you should remain quiet and act like you are ashamed to be a part of it which you obviously are. Then when she starts crying, behave like the very sympathetic and empathetic guy and be the shoulder for her to cry on. Then she will start liking you and then……
– THE ACHIEVER
For this you need to have achieved so much stuff in your life and in college. For this, you have to keep winning all the events in college. There is always a probability that one among the targets you are looking for will be present in the event or will be in the committee organising it. So if you talk like you are the owner of the event or if you can talk like the funniest then you would have caught her attention. After your turn, go stand or sit next to the girl who you have eyed. She will then tell a congrats and offer a handshake, then start talking like you have been winning this since school days and offer her some tips and tricks to win the event the next time it happens, and then make some more talk and then……..
– THE JUDGE
Ask your best friend in a committee to organise the event and tell him to make you the judge. Then make sure that your junior calls your target to the event. When it is the girl’s turn to get on stage then let us assume the event is JAM, put her up with dumb and loser partners and make sure whatever defects she tells is upheld and everything that goes against her is denied or only occasionally withheld (for more details, contact Renesa Chief Editor), now you know that she has only a Fermi of a chance of winning, so tell the organiser to have a prize for the best girl and make sure she wins a prize. Then go on stage and talk some jargons and mention how she valiantly played the last round and get to talk to her after the event is over and then………
– THE NJ
Now, this takes a bit of intellect, a lot of sweet talk and most importantly, the art of making your presence felt. To perform the NJ, you will need to dress up in rumpled clothing, have undone hair, in all dress like a near hippie (The I-don’t-give-a-damn-I’m-different look).Next you need to be a part of quite a few clubs/societies in the institute and make your presence felt in all of these (needless to say you need be a decent speaker for this). In choosing the clubs you want to be a part of, keep a mixed bag, join a club that caters to humanities, another that deals with robotics and another on technology and engineering and most important of all, one that does social service, nothing impresses a girl more than a guy who loves to give back to the society. Remember, you don’t just need to be a part of these; you need to actively be involved. Sooner or later, drop the hint that you are a workaholic who balances myriad responsibilities along with academics thereby augmenting your reputation. Next is easy, since you are an integral part of so many clubs you will get to meet chicks of varied tastes (an looks). Choose the one(s) you like as ask them to meet you up or call you up personally to solve their doubts or discuss various issues. See the beauty of this, the chick herself meets you and calls you. Yes, Jackpot. Read up a few books by authors like Sidney Sheldon etc or learn a few relevant tech stuff and you are done.
Just in case, you just want to add more juice to it, you may also try doing (not necessarily very) well at a skill that is much in demand in this college, say for example designing. Guess, what chicks think designers are hot coz they like god create something out of nothing. And no one’s hotter than god. Firstly, your designing skills will ensure that you find a place in every event, magazine, club of the college that needs a poster. Secondly, well read the previous paragraph.
– THE GEEKY GUY
While Pyaar Impossible may say that 1 Geek+1 Beauty=Pyaar Impossible, even in the movie Priyanka will certainly fall for the geek in the end. And this is an engineering college and therefore, there are many beauties-wanna-geeks here. And guess what, such beauties want to remain near geeks. To perform to act you need to be a geek or act like one. Learn a bit of circuits or coding, throw in a few jargons like multivibrator (yes thats related to electronics and not anything else, yet), oscillator, FPGA, MOSFET, C Sharp, Python, Linux, Hacking etc.. Obviously the choice of jargon will depend on what your potential target likes. Obviously, if she is in first year, almost anything would do; first year like all and any tech. Soon she will participate in some event or the other and want your help and there’s your chance. And if she is afraid of participating, form your own team and ask her to join because you find her dedicated, smart and intelligent (and not to mention incredibly hot). Ask her out for coffee or movies and just be friends and she will be in.
“The Geeky Guy” con is awaiting a patent. Troubles have arisen because both ACM and Drishti have argued that they were the originators of this idea and the credit goes to them. As we write this article, both groups are lobbying heavily and there is no resolution in sight.